Letters From A Convict

My Father's Death

2010-09-12T10:04:00.000-07:00

The goddess murderer came cloaked in whiteness. A spectacular light illuminated the darkness as she appeared. A mighty crown of golden hair blazing top her head. A thousand wisp skirting round each curl. Glory she was to behold. Her embrace raced though souls, making their blood her own.

She promised joy and comfort with each embrace and indeed, her promises were fulfilled, all the days of her life. Like a god of old, she molded each man for servitude. Her low whispering voice quickly subdued each in dreams, “Stay with me. Follow me. Worship only me; for I alone, can give you what you desire and I will stay with you all the days of your life. I promise thee this, if you will only worship me.”

And so it was, my father, then a trusting youth, found her and worshipped her. A child believing in promises and I ask you, what child wouldn’t believe a golden goddess full of asseveration? Relief truly could be found in her embrace.

Yes, the promise was fulfilled, the goddess stayed with him all the days of his life. There was an abundance of comfort and joy. A intimate giving soothing warmth and well-being in times of sorrowed trouble. A calming shoulder to lean on, a ready ear to listen, and a lover readily eager to give. Amidst the passage of time, my father felt the embrace of a beautiful companion. As long as I’d known him, he stayed forever in her arms.

And there he died, in her arms, unable to escape the goddess cloaked in white. Even as he felt her embrace tighten round his chest, it was to no avail. No door could keep her out, no chain could hold her back, no wall was high enough, no moat wide enough and no place to hide where she could not go.

She kept her word; she stayed with him all the days of his life, unruffled and unmoved as he begged her gone. At times he fell on bended knees, pleading, imploring her to take her leave. She tilted her lovely head, as she looked down and she smiled and stayed. There were times when he would escape, but only a heartbeat‘s tick. He would come back, always to her and hide in her forgiveness. She had waited patiently for she knew. She was to keep her promise. She had made the promise, a declaration, hadn’t she? How could she leave him now, when his end was so near? How could she? She needed worship and she had served, just as she promised.

She alone was there, as he lay dying, early one October morning. It was the thirty-first day of the month. A day filled with old gods and goddesses, we now call demons and devils. Yet, we still don’t see when they come. She came dressed in white, floating on a cloud, promising.....O, promising the child she would be there all the days of his life. Promises which she kept true.

It's been two years since his death.

Souls of the Damned

2009-09-22T17:36:00.000-07:00

They say souls of the damned walk the earth still. I must confess my belief, for I am here and walk the earth still.

A Sound of Thunder

2008-03-18T05:30:00.000-07:00

Steel gray skies settle over a brown brittle earth, weighty like lead blankets, pinning us there, smothering us all.

David died today.

His final slumber disturbed, the used, inflatable mattress on the floor no longer a comfort for his world-weary frame, he rose up for a brief instant, then fell to earth with a sound of thunder. Yet, no one heard. There was no one there for him, not the stranger whose house this was, not a loved one or friend to be found. No Angels knew or walked nearby. He rose alone and fell to earth again, alone. Utterly dead and utterly alone he lay there.

How did he fall from the grace of riches? How did his race to death elude our vision? Did we not see? Oh, yes, we saw. We saw the Dutchess strutting in. We saw her Dragons among the clouds. We saw it all, but we did nothing. We did nothing.

Well, there was the talk. The Talk, the talk, always the talk....David, why are you doing this? David, why? Don't you love? Don't you care? Don't you know? Talk? Oh, yes, we talked, but the words fell from useless red lips without making a sound. The words were utterly alone, wingless. They rose alone and fell to earth again, alone.

Maybe if we had come at it differently…thinking more of us then of him…finding some way to reach the aloneness, the failures.

David died today.

Was he truly a brilliant, wondrous man? A Chimneysweep from Wall Street. His winged embrace spanned the towering riches from sea to shinning sea. From rich and safe to the homeless' resting retreats of the barren streets.

Do you know who he was?
Do you remember him, God?
Can you still see him?
Does his life matter to You, now?
What say you, God?
What say you to all of this?

What use of gods with a sound of thunder.

David Kellogg died today.

And for this I cry.

Forever

2006-10-06T11:11:00.000-07:00

I do not know if it is, indeed true, that there is no God. Only man, with his vivid imagination who created a greater being. Our vain attempt to be convinced we are not, in the universe, alone. An attempt to be assured our actions do matter, our families, our accomplishment, our very lives. And attempt to rationalize an ever after, that we do not ....die.

And so, if for no other reason, a non believer chooses to believe in magic, in fairytales, in endless dancing, in a one true God.

I want to believe that as we lay their bodies into a fashionable wooden box and lower said box into the cold cold ground, it is not the end, but a marvelous magical new beginning. I don't want the ones I loved so dear, that meant so much to my life, to be lost to me forever. There wasn't enough time. Time to tell them what they meant, what precious beings they were.

How the tears fall when time runs out. The cries of pain, of sorrow, of the loss. The cries of never more.

I don't want to believe there is only here, only now.

Savor crystal clear waters running deep, children, for although I want to believe, I fear it is all a lie.

But truth or lie, we only have them for a short time.

Letter From A Convict - Our Truth Is...........

2006-06-10T06:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Son,

The truth is, I don't want to act like a hypocrite and condemn you for actions, when I myself was no doubt much worse at your age. I used valium, codeine, drank for many years off and on. With 5 or 6 month lapses in-between of no drinking, then drank for a week or two. Laid up in hotels all over with broads, ect. Of course the worst years were from 44 to 52. I was just a real nut job then, so I can't say you are on this or that. The only thing I did which he doesn't is I took care of myself and my family through everything else. You need to take care of your family.

Personally, I think I probably need prison to get my head right. Actually prisons been very good for me, in many different ways. Crazy as it sounds, I say prison, as far as it has brought me to reality, renewed my stamina, and endurance. Taught me to be basic with discipline. Something I lacked for eight or ten years. Yes, prison has been much more of an asset then a liability, in the sense that it has rebuilt me mentally.

So I can't condemn you. You are spoiled, weak, self centered, and lack discipline of any kind. It stems mostly from a glitch in the emotional brain. We don't do well on death, loss, or failure. It's part of the genetic problems we have.

Only now at 56, do I even begin to understand me in any real intelligent summation.

I, now know any tragedy, loss of emotional bond, or failure which challenges my inner guilt is a potential catastrophe in my emotional psychic. Unfortunately, it's how I was born and my children also. The difference is, I can now accept it. Basically this glitch undid me and I had to totally rebuild over vast time and many questions put to myself.

Now my saving grace was reality. My new strength, my self understanding, and I would not have rebuilt myself had I been on the street. This is where prison was actually excellent for me. The key to my recovery. Someone once told me it was enough to bear the cross, but all these years, I did not know the cross was me.

A son needs a father dominate force to instruct and teach. I failed you in that respect over the last ten or so years, because I suffer from our brain melancholy also.

Our glitch, our family insanity. Each constantly looking for a cure in any drug. To just "feel" better.

So many people don't "feel" every emotion all day every day. They are blessed with non "feeling". Ours comes rushing in like water cascading down a fall. Crashing, churning, with a monstrous undertow from which we are never free. Only drugs stops it for awhile, but they stop us too.

Life means little when you are not in control or when you aren't dealing with the truth. The constant truth of our untruths.

Dear Father,
Here's to my truth....the remedy lies in the indispensable aid of soothing syrups.

Letter From A Convict - Saturday, May, 27th, 2006

2006-06-10T05:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Son,

Failure to acknowledge God as our ultimate leader is the first step toward ruin and destruction. When people forget to honor God, trust God, depend on God, they conform to the lifestyle of evil. Every hope is destroyed. Every Attempt of your own human thinking ends in a brick wall.

But....

When you pray to God with all your heart and let him know you are aware that He "alone" guides your life by the spirit within you, then you will over come all obstacles in life.

Your looks, your brain, your body, strength or mind powers can never help you for human flesh dies a death, but the spirit lives forever.

I am no longer the man you saw the last ten years. I regained my faith in God and I trust God to give me all my needs and desires, as he did in my twenty's and thirty's.

I am the man of your youth, as a boy again. I allowed my faith to leave me, when I had all my worldly problems, I lost my faith for I thought God left me, but it was I who left God.

You see, son, I was involved in many things, from family activity to street activities, but I never lost sight of God in all those years. That's why I was successful, because I never lacked faith.

Without faith - you can never succeed in anything, not even small things, or everyday things.

:You see, son, when I come home, I can't lose. It's impossible because I have faith - again.

When you take care of your body, run, work out, do push ups, stop smoking, think positive and most of all, trust God, You can't lose.

You have to be focused and put your whole life into a perspective and a routine.

First concentrate on your spiritual being, not your life, but your spirit. Do this by reading the word of God daily, then praying from your heart, not your lips.

If you please God, by prayer, he will give you all the wisdom and the knowledge you need to go through life successful and positive.

Second, concentrate on your businesses, learn everything you can. Read, ask questions, search.

Third, take care of your body. If your head in not clear, your decisions are based on emotions and desires, rather than logic and a plan. You have to breathe, run, walk, workout, make your body respond. A temple for God and you.

Routine, routine, routine - makes success.

You drink, get drunk, make a fool of yourself, have hangovers, depression and anxiety. Drugs, You just fuck yourself over completely, like a rapist.

So your way or Gods way?

Be an idiot or be a complete, full, successful, happy man. I mean only a fool can't see the difference.

All that talk of depression, anxiety, sadness is bull shit. You got sad, heartbroken, gave up, gave in, put your trust in money and society, instead of God. You got hurt again, lost all self confidence. You forgot who you are. Who we are.

Stop feeding your weakness with drugs and alcohol.

I am not only your dad, I am your best friend. The one who loves you. I say all of this out of love.

You are weak because you choose to be. Reach down inside and pull yourself up.Stop wasting precious time.
Leave the past in the past. I'm 56 and could accidentally get five broads in anyone day. You are 25 and stay with a broad that only takes you down. Move on, leave her behind. You let a girl control your life! Are you nuts? Real Italian men don't do that. What kind of wife would she make?

Forget the broad - get the cash and you can have 50 broads. You don't take this kind of woman home to keep.

Listen, you want it real? I lived in the mob life. I've done it all, when I say all, I mean all. Guns, hijacking, bookmaking, stones, security, bonds, stocks, bribes. All of it. I was also, legit, in many businesses. Legit is better. No headaches, no jails, no long vacations, no being alone. NO being broke. So party if you want. Waste you years, get the clouded mind, loose your reputation, become dependant on others or get your ass into God and Health.

I'm coming home. I got big work to do. I have to get the bar, teach you a million things. Please don't throw your life away.

My father is always trying to save me. Perhaps, I am too bitter for salvation.

So it is.................

2005-10-23T12:11:00.000-07:00

To noon he fell, from noon to dewy eve,
A summer’s day, and with the setting sun
Dropt from the zenith, like a falling star,

Letter From A Convict - I beg you to listen..........

2005-10-23T12:00:00.000-07:00

Son,
I beg you to listen...........

I never taught you to steal, nor have I ever encouraged you to do wrong. Have you stopped to look at yourself? You are a prince from honorable blood and love, yet look around, where are you?

A man lives to 100 years old and he dies. Is he remembered for his wealth or poverty? No, he is remembered for his sons, what he gave to the earth, his honor, love, and loyalty.

A thief is not honored, nor a liar, nor one who looses his self, his being. .

Did you parents divorce or loosing your wife make you give up? Was your father in prison the thing that made you give up? No, it was your choice, the road you walked down, no, run down. Did you look around at the land going by like painting rushing by in a wind?

We have bi polar depression. We are different, our minds work different. We are what we are, but you will cease to be. Are you so without standing that you choose to put a needle in your arm. The poison of a slow death. This fall from grace? Are you to be like Lucifer, held high in God's light and love, to toss it away on a "feeling"? The free fall from Heaven's grace will surely find you damned. Where is your light, find your strength, find hope. Your loss of innocents.

Letter From A Convict - The problem is..........

2005-10-23T11:29:00.000-07:00

Written to me by my father about men and women...............

The problem with youths and women, is they have no real concepts of honor, virtue, or loyalty to the blood line. They only see actions and not the underlying motives.

I spent 19 summers living with my great grandparents, Michael and Katrina C. My great grandfather Michael C. was a "Calzolaio" and a shoemaker. My grandmother and he never learned to speak the English language. They came to the U. S. about 1898.

My grandfather told me that passion blinds the most balanced minds and there is nothing like "common sense" to put courage into a man.

Nothing makes such a deep impression on our minds as our earliest memories. I say this - one man is intoxicated with drink, the other mad with love, yet both are doomed to the same fate.

My son, you must learn a man picks a woman, pursues her, captures her heart, and takes her as his own. To allow a woman to take you is certain failure. She becomes the aggressor, you the one pursued. Ultimately you will lose your manhood.

I do not speak ill of women. I only speak the truth. A man of success has behind him a strong woman of virtue. You cannot plant corn and grow beans. The womb of a woman is the chamber of a mans love and his child to be.

Becareful who you mix your blood line with. You must think of the future generations. We are who we are.

Your father......

Letter From A Convict - Dangerous enemy.........

2005-08-27T11:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Son,

The most dangerous enemy is that which no one fears. Remember this.

Quiet, potent, and deceptively agile, this is how your carry yourself, my son. Always give impressions of a remarkably ordinary man, so they won't know your intentions or capabilities. This is why I say, the most dangerous enemy is one no one fears. Capisca?

Remember this - one does not have to be ill to analyze symptoms. People try to read others in every situation. Never show your true feelings or share your true thoughts. Thereby seeming to remain common or normal in others eyes.

Friction creates sparks, sparks make explosions. Create no friction, instead create a calmness. a normalcy when speaking to others.
Mental friction will delay or kill a deal. a love, a life. Remain conservative, yet solid, with a classy air of superiority, subtle enough to not offend, but demand respect from others. Representing yourself is the key to everything. The deal for money or sex from a broad, it's all the same when you present yourself correctly. People don't necessarily have to like you, but it is important that they respect you.

To know another mans strengths and weaknesses, you must first know yourself. Your most valuable weapon in life is complete deadly silence and secrecy. You can talk and talk and people think you tell it all. By thinking this, they will by nature, not believe you, which makes your secret more secure.

What you stand for is your personal secret.
Some men make money their God, others just blindly go through the motions of life doing themselves more harm then good.
For the love of your male nature, the love of your family and ancestors who are your brothers, for the love of success, but never for the love of money.

We are all the same, again, I ask, why do you fear others? Is it the secrets you guard so closely? The ones they search each of us for? We all have secrets. Each guarded with keyless locks. Man is only afraid of what others will discover.

Man has many secrets, but the unspoken fears are the ones we hold deep within, fearful of letting loose, lest they become real.. Hidden so deep they are never spoken of, so deep that we pretend they do not exist, that perhaps the boogie man won't find us, if our thoughts don't reach out. Fears are like warm blankets we wrap ourselves in when we are unforgiving and contemplating the arrival of Deaths.

Deaths have many names, some go by the name, Failure, some Greed, some call themselves not, some are named Love.
That Deaths whispers with it's warm moist breathes across our faces, as the darkness grows near, makes most men weep with fear. Deaths, whispering so softly the very skin moves not, when they brush by.

Some men swear alliance to these Deaths, or more, a swastika, star, or simple cross. There are endless battles between good and evil. The truth is, if it is good for you then it is good. Discover this yourself. This is your quest son. A man without a belief, has no foundation and no substance. Study yourself. Perfect is only a liking.

God is how you perceive Him, not what is written. For God speaks to a mans spirit, but not to all men, for they do not listen. They can not hear. All of us are a part of God. He knows what we hide. You are a part of God himself, never forget this. Pure energy is the father of creation for the mind is energy and God is the mind. God created all things opposite. Light and Dark, Heaven and Hell, Good and Evil, Angels and Demons.

Where do you stand son? For what and why? Who are you?

Remember, Honor will serve you, if you serve honor. Love will be true, if you are true to love, your strength is an unlimited source, if you reach far enough.

Something's don't mix, you can't have justice and retribution, and be the Villain also. Be a man of creation, a genius with chivalry, principal, honor, loyalty, moral obligation, a magnetic radiance of composure and wholeness to others. Never show weakness, sadness, uneasiness or passiveness unless you are trying to make the others feel comfortable.

Think who you are! Not what you are taught, not what society drills in your head, but what you are. You are what you think you are. We are the family.

Avevo ne paura
Ne avevo paura - This is your strength.

Love ,
your father

My strength................ my strength is that he is my father. My weakness is that he is my father.
He gives the Light and Darkness, the Heaven and Hell, the Good and Evil, the Angels, along with the Demons.
What I learn from him I use. I control, I survive.
I am a remarkably ordinary man.

Letters from a Convict is a fictional collaboration between myself and my father, Jeffery Tony Bango of Chillicothe, Ohio

Letter From A Convict - How do you start.........

2005-08-19T17:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Son,

Nothing comes to a sleeper, but a dream. No one owes you anything, but I. Why do you wait? Start from where ever you are.

Ask yourself this, if you fail, where will you go? Back in to the deep pleasures of the world? Become one of the lost ones?

All men are afraid. The fear is sparked with our birth. We each have it, man, woman, and child. All creatures living are plagued with fear.

It's the silent darkness of the unheard scream. Reasons we don't go walking near the shadows alone, we seek the light instead. The primeval knowledge that somewhere out there, something waits, cloaked in obscurity. Feeling our presents, it waits. It is fear alone.

You allowed fear many manifestations. Feeling the depths of all things, you speak of endless hope, denial, and loss of things yet won.

You say you trust me, then listen to me. I love you like no one else can. Do not fear society or man.

Be not a proud weak fool, speak to God often. He concieved man's want of power, control, and lust. He recognizes man as no other being does. We are His creation, are we not? He, alone, gives power to men. Use what He gives you wisely, for you will be the leader of men. This is the destiny, I gave you.

Remember, a man, who has never failed, can only be an ignorant man with no understanding. For failure is only a means of true understanding and knowledge. Yet, you must never allow others to know your failures. Your advantages lies there, in it's use.

A man who has never hurt or felt alone, a man never rejected? How will such a man succeed? This is a man, who can never know love's triumphant, a rightful God, devoted loyalty, and ardent souls. When a man's mind is at peace, he soul is devoid of drive, fires burn like paper wisp, the inner man dies. Man must burn. A burning man is a man who will, and can, win. The demon we posses inside is what makes great men.

Do not fear what you are. Do not fear the manner of such a man. You have my faith, my trust, my path to follow. Be what you are, be who you are..........always.

Love
Your father

As I suffocate in self imposed punishment for my fathers crimes, known and unknown, I mull over the unanswered whys? Why am I here, why am I afraid, why am I?

Is it true, as has been suggested, that as I reach for the panicle of velvety triumph, I sling this mortal's spirit back towards hell's comforts? Why did God give such a man, as I, this life. Such a burden being bound to guide others.

A longing shakes my being like quivers. Longing to burst into the light, as a falcon burst upon it's prey, blood rushing, soul racing. Escaping the darkness, escaping the fear, escaping this life.

Can I ever be free? The very man that he is is within me. Can I ever be free of him, his legacy, his name.................

Letter From A Convict - Son read all this letter.....

2005-08-12T16:44:00.000-07:00

Dear son,

Please, read all of this letter. It is important.

The last thing I want to do is hold you back in life. I know you have been waiting on me for years, just like I've waited to be with you. The last thing I want to do is make you unhappy. Both of us have had enough of that. I thought about what you said on the phone to me. I don't want to be selfish and make you do things that you don't want to do. All I ever wanted was to be a dad.

Do you think I like being a father who has been in prison? Or a dad who lost his businesses and home? Did you know my entire dream is to make you proud of me, like I use to do and to give you a reason to have respect?

Everybody loves you when you are rich or successful. When you fall, no one wants anything to do with you. They all love you when you are rich. They love you with both hands out.

Money shouldn't rule your life. If you let it take over, it will ride you to the depths of a darkness you can't imagine and beyond. It creates a hunger and lust that can never be satisfied. You will always want more, like a addict fiends for the drug. You will do anything, destroy anyone for that cold touch of gold. Make no mistake, son, money is a power all its own.

I don't want to hold you back son, but be careful where you are running to.

Love, your father

Some nights were spent wondering if the chosen road I had run down, headed towards the darkness my father spoke of.

We have all seen some part of Hell's living room.
We have all taken a little peak through it's door, if not just swaggered on in, with a self assured cockiness that we are somehow special and immune to its' lavish luxuries.

Those of us who swagger, we are the scared ones. We show bravery as a way to hide the truth from everyone, but eventually the truth will find it's way out. The whispered truth is, we really don't belong here. So we hide.

Some of us hide in unrequited love, some of us hide in the belly of Bacchus, some of us hide behind our clothes, our fist, our sex, and some try darker diversions, but we all hide behind something. Somehow, somewhere we want to hide, to hide from our future, our past, ourselves and anyone else peeking in............

Letter From A Convict - What you must know.........

2005-08-08T09:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Son,

What you must know about who I am..................

You may think I'm wild or crazy. You may believe what they wrote about me, but I'm a very, very good person. I was and am a good father. I am proud of what you have become. Look at yourself, what a great boy you are, what a great man you will be. Not one child among you used drugs, or steals, or is involved with the evils of society.

I taught you to be above society. Showing you love and attention, teaching you to be polished, have manners, and to always demonstrate real class. My life and what I did, is neither here or there. I did good by you, son, and the rest of the family.

So don't judge me for who I am. Don't judge me by their writings. They are not like us, they will never understand us. There is no loyalty there, no family, no God, and no respect. Who are they to judge me or to judge you?

Your Father
with love

Written to me in 1990, I was 10 years old. I remember the pride I felt in reading that letter. I was taught that jail was a part of life, a part of the job.
I am no longer 10.........................

Letter From a Convict - People born with depression........

2005-08-07T06:49:00.000-07:00

As with the rest of my brothers and sisters, I suffer with depression, no doubt inherited from my father. Here is what he wrote............

Dear "E",
My dearest son,

People born with depression are not lost. I've tried to explain to you that to over come the problems, you must take the proper steps.

You probably think no one, but yourself, has ever experienced depression horrors of the mind like you do. You are very wrong.

It is easy to make yourself think it is your life or losses, but it is not. We were born like this. It is a part of us, it makes us weak, but it also makes us great. So what do we do? Improvise? Do things that make us happy and things that make us feel alive and well, which at times can be a trick.

I used valium and percodan or percocet for 25 or 30 years. More then that I think. Off and on, on and off. What a cycle. On top of that I drank, not daily, but I might as well for I was high most of my life and didn't even know it.

Abraham Lincoln, Napoleon, John Kennedy, Edgar Allen Poe, the list is endless. All these men were exceptionally great men. Each of them had depression, so bad, that they felt suicidal and worse. Each wrote of the demons of depression. It was their depression that made them great men. The inner search that gave rise to great revelations, to great creativity. All manor of men have been cursed with this burden we carry.

They trusted and believed in God. They let God drive them on when they didn't have it in them.

The slightest disappointment can anger or depress men who have this disease. Only one thing, one thing alone can overcome this illness - faith. I speak to myself, I order the depression out of me in the name of God. I speak to God and tell Him, I surrender to Him and ask Him for strength to fight on.

Get angry, Get determined, tell yourself, God will never leave you. I tell myself, how lucky I am. Yes, lucky. I am not cold, I am feed, I have people who love me. I am healthy, I have kids, grandkids, friends I've loved. I have overcame tremendous obstacles, situations I never dreamed I could conquer. But I survived and will continue to survive.

When I get depressed, it is easy to feel sorry for myself, so I pray for others less fortunate then me.

Look to the future. What you will accomplish next. Even if it's to gain a yard, better then to loose a mile. Always forward. Never stand still. It is just as easy to find yourself as it was to get lost. Keep a positive mental outlook, always.

Let me give you an example of false needs, your mom was one of the classiest women I ever knew. She had real class. She has changed her beliefs, her clothes, her outlook, and lost her faith, lost her way. Because she met "Elvis". Now she like the complete opposite of what she did. Country and Western? Since when ? She depends on "Elvis" to give her emotional stability. In doing so she gave up who she was to be who "Elvis" wants her to be.

You meet this new girl and she gives you emotional security. So you think. She also gave you a heroin addiction. Did you want that? Did you want the sickness and pain she gave you? You gave up your values, your beliefs for her company and she came at a high cost.

What is it you want. Can she make you a man? You need her to feel like a man? She drains you. You have a false since of being a man because she cries to you that she is in pain and you feel the need to rescue her. Like a knight in shinning armor, you want to come and sweep the damsel up, and ride away into the sun. The short false high you receive from this "rescue" shows a lack of emotional security in you. Such a lacking in your emotional stability will surely drown you.

I am your father, I love you more then life itself. Please look at what you are doing. Drugs are not the answer.

With love,

Your Father

The heroin addiction lasted me 7 months. I stopped cold turkey. It wasn't easy, it hurt, but I survived. My life has changed since then.

As far as my mom's changing, I think she just wanted to get as far away from my father as she could. In every possible way. She changed her appearance, she changed her music, she even change her most basic desires, until there was nothing left for him to recognize.

Letter From A Convict - Don't like them opening my letters....

2005-08-06T07:24:00.000-07:00

Son, Come siete, il mio figlio?

Son, you must understand, when I was little, my father took me with him everywhere. I went on every trip with him to Miami, Cuba, New York, Cleveland, and many many other places.

Yes, my mama, (God rest her soul) use to scream at him, curse him at times. She didn't want her little boy going to those "evil" places, as she called them. Mama was a very religious person.

But I was being trained to follow in his footsteps, his life, to take over the businesses and make sure that the family had enough money to live on. Not just mama or myself, but the brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousin, and my own future family too. It was for everyone. I was the oldest and it fell on my shoulders to become the provider when my father passed on. I have done the best that I know how.

Papa use to say, as long as you can draw breath there will be a family. You must take care of the family, always. I did. I devoted every breath to this family. I still do. Maybe, now that you are older, you can see that. We are expected to lead, you and I, so others can follow. But you have stopped leading son.

It is up to us men, as leaders, as head of the family to act in a manner which makes the others want to follow us. To be a part of us and a part of the unit again. Pain and hurt can devastate peoples lives, but sooner or later, we must recover, pull ourselves up, and dust ourselves off. We must be what we are suppose to be in this life. Capisca?

We are men, and we must remain men in order to survive in this world. We all screw up, we, everyone are infallible humans. The highest among us, the most important guy will steal. The most upright woman will cheat and lie to cover up her wrong. No one is just or perfect. It is easy for people to throw stones, but let others throw stones at them and the glass house crumbles.

I know you think your family is all messed up, but it is not. We stand for honor, loyalty, taking care of the family. Yes, I went to prison and things are a little messed up, but this a part of our lives.

My great grandfather's was Michael Crisci and my father, "E.B" and all the uncles. We all had problems, lots went to jail at one time or another, but we raised our families, we had our businesses, and we stood together, but most important, we stood strong. Now it is your turn. Now it is time for you to stand strong.

Never be ashamed of your family's name or me. I know a zillion people and I don't give a s**t. I am what I am. Those a**holes won't say s**t to my face, because they are small little cowards.

Be a man, son, gather your courage, gather your strength, go seek your fortune. It is your turn to take care of the family.

Take care, my son
Your father

I was 16 years old when I got this letter. What did I know then?

Letter From A Convict - If I had it my way..........

2005-08-06T05:59:00.001-07:00

Son, If I had it my way, I'd love to have the family I had. To feel the closeness, the goodness, and the deep love. To be a unit again. I'd love to be the man I was. I had mass respect, money, power, but this is not how life works. We deal with people, all different kinds of personalities, desires, and people change. Just when you don't expect it. I've learned one must always consider others feelings, not just my own. I learned people change, even if, I don't want them to. I learned people slip, people fall, make mistakes, stray, and look for things they don't have, only to discover they never wanted those things in the first place. There are too many things that I've learned to list them all in a letter. No one man has all the answers.

You and I expect and require "loyalty" in relationships. To us loyalty is love. Some people can't give loyalty 100 percent of the time. Once in a great while you can find it.

I learned also people do things they cannot seem to undo because of ego or pride. Example, your mother, a great mom, a great wife, a loyal lover. Because of pressure she followed her family, while I sat in prison. The day I was sentenced, here were her exact words, "T", I'll never leave you even if it takes the whole 10 years. I'll wait."

She waited exactly 16 months, before she left. Little by little, each visit, I watched her slip away from me. The small changes, the different clothes, the not answering the phone, then the missed visits kept happening and one day........she was gone. 23 years and she just walked away.

Do you think I ever expected that? I will never forgive her.

She couldn't even think of a reason to give me. Did she plan this? No, absolutely not. The door of opportunity was opened, a push from her family and out she went. But I am sure she has a different point of view.

Do you think your mom ever thought how many people would be affected or by how much? Of course not. She didn't stop to consider here actions at all.

This is what happens when we allow our life to get out of control or our feelings.

Have you ever wondered just how embarrassed she feels for her actions? She is ashamed and feels overwhelming guilt. Of course she does.

She can't face her own mistakes. I feel sorry for her. She will never know true happiness again.

Did she want this? Of course not! You see son, it's not our problems, that sink us in life. It's how you deal with your problems in life. It's your approach to life.

You must think being in prison is easy for me. Nothing could be further from the truth. Each day is hard to wake up to this unbelievable sadness. When the thoughts of the past come into my mind, my heart actually feels a physical pain for the loss.

I live in between phone calls to you. This keeps me alive, this alone makes me feel like I fit somewhere. Or I am loved by someone for real. Sometimes I don't speak to you for months and months. do you know the loneliness and hurt I feel when I don't or can't speak to you?

I have to go on or die. Why would I die and ruin the rest of my life and yours.

I have hope, even in my pain and loneliness, I have hope. I have you, my son. My closest love of my life. What would I do without you? I could not go on.

You have to learn to be not self destructing. Look what I did to my perfect life because I didn't deal with my feelings after prison or my problems.

If we allow ourselves to fall apart or not deal with or face our problems, then our lives become out of control. You have to acquire faith, my son. Through faith all things are possible......all things.

Never forget this.

Never allow your weakness to force you to give up on any situation.

What does it take for you to turn to God, son? How bad do you have to suffer before you turn to God for help? You need God. You need faith.

You need to drop all your goals for awhile and study God's word. Faith comes from hearing and hearing by the word of God. Read the Book of Job, read Psalms, most important read Hebrews.

I will wait to see how God touches you after you read these scriptures. I remain your dad, a man, subject to his mistakes and sins. But a man who loves God and loves you, my son, whom God blessed me with.

All my love,
forever and ever
Dad

Did my father ever stop to consider his actions? Did he ever think he was the reason she left? The life he lived, the prison, the loneliness. I know, I felt it, she had to feel it too. Where is his responsibility?

Letter From A Convict - The problems came in buckets

2005-08-06T05:37:00.000-07:00

More excuses, more explanations....................

Dear Son,

We denied the charges, of course, and stood strong, in the end we beat the rap. As soon as the trial was over and we won, the I.R.S. slapped an income tax evasion charge against me. No one else, just me. From 9 years before! I posted half million dollar bond, went home, got all you kids, and went to Miami for 5 months for some r & r. And to speak to some friends about a possible "fix" or "out" for my tax problems.

I paid the attorneys 257,000 cash to get me 3 years, instead of 25 years in prison. My depression was out of control. But I never knew what was happening to me. I came home -"f***ed up". I began to drink hard, I never did drink like that before. I couldn't feel any happiness - none. I had to drink to function. It was horrible. No one understood me because of my actions. Of drinking and giving up. I know now, I had mentally hit the bottom. I had horrible guilt about leaving my wife, children and being in prison. I had overwhelming sorrow and self pity. I was helpless, a slave to this new frightening experience, and lost.........so very lost.

"C" did everything for me but the problem was she didn't know what was wrong with me. I think you thought it was her, or the family, but, of course, it wasn't.

Then they found the aneurysm. Two brain surgeries later and I still wasn't right. Back to prison for another bit. Your mom left me, but who could blame her. Sh*t got crazy - I just gave up for years. Came home worst then ever emotionally. I still thought you kids were little kids, but you were grown up. That made it worse, the time loss screwed with my head.

But, now I figured it out. Took me 10 years to understand myself and my problem.

Yours
Dad

Took him 10 years to figure it out? Then why is everything still the same?

Letters From a Convict - I never want to lie to you....

2005-08-05T17:52:00.000-07:00

I ask my father what happened to everything.............
Here was his response.

Dearest Son,

Speaking with you finally took all the burden off of me, the worry. You keep me so concerned about you. I love you, more then me or life.

I never wanted to lie to you, so listen. You probably wonder what happened to everything from the time you were ten.

Well, here it is.

In 1983, I was into some pretty heavy activity. I was 33, I was making money faster then I could count it. I had several businesses, a hotel in Miami, a thriving lumber business, a couple bars, and a myriad of smaller business on the side. Uncle"D" and I were making about 40 grand a month on oil and gas wells we drilled in 1984. I had several real estate holding. Don't forget the bar downtown. "Tony's Inn the Alley" There was the bar on East Main Street, "El Diablo's", the restaurant, "The Italian Eatery".

I was making ridicules money.

"TT" was my "man". He crunched all the numbers and made them come out right like a freaking magician. Life was grand. It was just like in the movies. All the broads, all the money, all the power, all the right things in life. I had it all. They should have added music, it was that sweet.

But when we fell, we fell hard. All because of Uncle "D" playing it big with a small time politician. Who buys a Mayor a Rolls. Bribery charges! I didn't buy the freaking Rolls.

You were so young then, you don't remember. I suppose this is best. I never wanted you or your brothers to turn out like me. I wanted better for your life and them. I never wanted to lie to you about what I did for a living. It wasn't as bad, as they made it out to be. I never wanted to leave you alone out there in the world, but I did.

Can you ever forgive me?

Love, your father

Can I forgive him? That is the question. Perhaps in the future, sometime out there, but as for now, there is too much pain. How could he leave us with nothing? That is the question.......how could he do this to us? Did he think life only mattered to him? What was I suppose to do at 10?

Letter from a Convict - Have Faith Son

2005-08-05T12:18:00.000-07:00

11-10-03 - Not giving up the plan of dealing drugs for a living, my father tried to reach me once more.............................

My Dearest Son,

Be patient, have faith, trust God, not the world. Only God can give you true happiness or life. Only God can show you how to be confident. When we don't have God on our mind, we become depressed, dark, and lifeless. We turn to drugs, alcohol, and false things. Learn to know the God that is within you.

Follow my instructions. I'll never lie to you. You are doing great. You are just impatient. Keep learning, keep praying, keep knowing that I love you. Your mom, brothers, sisters, and everyone who knows you, loves you.

Our family is the one most important of all things. If we let life break us now, we will fail. No offense, but your mother separated this family. Something I shall never forgive her for. My daughters hardly speak. Three of my children were allowed to quit school. I would of never, never allowed that to happen. My boys were all but abandoned, I can only thank God that he gave you three boys the love, to hold and stay together. I (and you) must always keep ourselves together for life.

If you know how much I loved you and your brothers. If you could feel the real love I have for you, you would cry from all the deep feelings with a joy. We must never fail each other. We must strive and work to be better, to be wiser, to enhance our minds and hearts, we must learn, study, and pull together to be better to be a family.

We are a family. Never bail out on us, none of us should never give up on each other, but continue to love and honor each other. We can do anything. We are one. I'll be home soon. Wait for me and have faith in me, in yourself and in God. Keep your brothers close to you all the time. We will build together.

We will have a nice home, a family home, the "B" home. Sunday dinners, a life together, a real family. Understand? Nothing has changed, only time. Mom made her choice, that doesn't mean that us boys stop being a family or a unit.

I live for you. You are my heart of hearts. Without you son, I would have no reason to go on living. That's what you mean to me.

I never taught you to do wrong or to be evil..I've always taught you the right things. You have all the right tools to be a great person. And you are kind, considerate, and loving. I will not see you contaminated by assholes with only evil in their hearts.

Stick with "S" It's a base, a home, and she loves you. You are safe, you have a roof over your head. You have no bills, no real worries. Take this time in life to look within yourself deeply. To know yourself, to understand, to purify your mind and emotions.

You are not broke, you are not alone, you are not on the street, your loved and you have the world as your future. Do not leave "S", stay there until I come home.

At which time you and I will begin a great life, finally. Just trust, son.

Stay safe - ask questions- read the paper and don't look back in the past too much. If you are looking back, you can't go forward. It's time you and I went forward. I'm proud of you. Keep me informed of your business and how it is going.

All my love, son
Dad

Needless to say, I didn't stick with "S"
I didn't stick with the business either.

Letter from a Convict - Answer this question son.

2005-08-05T11:47:00.000-07:00

11-09-03 - This letter was in response to my thinking that there was fast, quick, money to be made by dealing drugs and money was the answer to my life.

At this time in my life, I lived on the street, from friend's house to friend's house. Life was hard, I thought I could make it easier.

My dear son,

Answer this question son............

If you had lots of money, a home, and flashy cars, would you be happy? Really happy inside or yourself? Would you not be lonely? Would you be more confidant?

Doesn't self confidence come from "within"? Doesn't a man have to have faith in himself first? If not wouldn't the money and cars be an unreal confidence and an unreal happiness?

There is true happiness and there is false happiness. Example - Can a whore make a man a happy man? No, all she can five him is false security and false temporary happiness that is not real.

Is a rich man happy, if he is a drunk? Apparently not, right?
Can illegal gains really make a man feel proud or give a man true self worth? No - because he didn't earn it himself or do it by his confidence.

Rich people hunger for more wealth. They hunger to be admired, you know why son? They have money, but no happiness and no real self esteem or pride.

A man must first feel like a worthwhile person. A man must first have an understanding of God and life.

Money is not the answer to all things. Yes, its necessary and yes, it is nice, but glamour isn't happiness.

The rich man dies like a poor man. The rich man gets old like the poor man. But the good man has true happiness with money or without money.

How many cars can you drive at one time? How much recognition is enough before a man doesn't need to brag or to be noticed?

Cal spent 16 yrs in prison for trying to get rich quick, by illegal ways. If he gets caught again, he will do another 16 yrs, maybe life. Is this happiness to you? Is this living to you?

You are handsome beyond words, your heart is good, kind, loving and pure. You're a wonderful human being, a wonderful man. People love you for you, not for what you have or don't have.

You are blessed, how many men do you know that are loved just for themselves, as you are?

I don't know any, do you?

Do you think you would be happy, if your kids seen you as a drug dealer? Would you be proud? Would you be happy?

The only way to true inner happiness is doing the right things, no matter how hard it is. Because when you do succeed you know you did it on your own and you did it right. Only then, can a man be proud and feel good about himself.

Fast money goes fast. For every dollar, a crook or illegal man makes, he spends 10. For attorneys, problems, and hassles. There is no gain in illegal money, only jails, courts, heartbreak, and in the end they always loose.

Do you want to spend your life loosing? Don't envy drug dealers. They all go down. Don't envy false happiness of others, it's not real. A big house, a flashy car, can not bring happiness very long. Can wood or steel bring you true happiness son? Don't worship a house or a car, that's like worshiping a rock. Can a rock give you life, hope, or happiness?

No son, you get all that from within yourself. Do you have any idea how very happy and proud you you make me? I wouldn't trade the feeling you give me for 100 billion dollars and I swear to God. I mean this!

With love,
your dad

My Introduction

2005-08-05T11:08:00.000-07:00

At this time, I don't want you give my name, you understand.

There is shame, even though I haven't done wrong, I carry the shame with me. The sins of the father.........................you know the drill.

It is simple, my father doesn't know I am publishing his personal letters to me. Why should I tell him? He owes me something, doesn't he?

The letters are not in any real order, there are too many of them, and it has been too many years. Most are not dated, but when they are, I will include the dates.