Letter From A Convict - If I had it my way..........

Son, If I had it my way, I'd love to have the family I had. To feel the closeness, the goodness, and the deep love. To be a unit again. I'd love to be the man I was. I had mass respect, money, power, but this is not how life works. We deal with people, all different kinds of personalities, desires, and people change. Just when you don't expect it. I've learned one must always consider others feelings, not just my own. I learned people change, even if, I don't want them to. I learned people slip, people fall, make mistakes, stray, and look for things they don't have, only to discover they never wanted those things in the first place. There are too many things that I've learned to list them all in a letter. No one man has all the answers.

You and I expect and require "loyalty" in relationships. To us loyalty is love. Some people can't give loyalty 100 percent of the time. Once in a great while you can find it.

I learned also people do things they cannot seem to undo because of ego or pride. Example, your mother, a great mom, a great wife, a loyal lover. Because of pressure she followed her family, while I sat in prison. The day I was sentenced, here were her exact words, "T", I'll never leave you even if it takes the whole 10 years. I'll wait."

She waited exactly 16 months, before she left. Little by little, each visit, I watched her slip away from me. The small changes, the different clothes, the not answering the phone, then the missed visits kept happening and one day........she was gone. 23 years and she just walked away.

Do you think I ever expected that? I will never forgive her.

She couldn't even think of a reason to give me. Did she plan this? No, absolutely not. The door of opportunity was opened, a push from her family and out she went. But I am sure she has a different point of view.

Do you think your mom ever thought how many people would be affected or by how much? Of course not. She didn't stop to consider here actions at all.

This is what happens when we allow our life to get out of control or our feelings.

Have you ever wondered just how embarrassed she feels for her actions? She is ashamed and feels overwhelming guilt. Of course she does.

She can't face her own mistakes. I feel sorry for her. She will never know true happiness again.

Did she want this? Of course not! You see son, it's not our problems, that sink us in life. It's how you deal with your problems in life. It's your approach to life.

You must think being in prison is easy for me. Nothing could be further from the truth. Each day is hard to wake up to this unbelievable sadness. When the thoughts of the past come into my mind, my heart actually feels a physical pain for the loss.

I live in between phone calls to you. This keeps me alive, this alone makes me feel like I fit somewhere. Or I am loved by someone for real. Sometimes I don't speak to you for months and months. do you know the loneliness and hurt I feel when I don't or can't speak to you?

I have to go on or die. Why would I die and ruin the rest of my life and yours.

I have hope, even in my pain and loneliness, I have hope. I have you, my son. My closest love of my life. What would I do without you? I could not go on.

You have to learn to be not self destructing. Look what I did to my perfect life because I didn't deal with my feelings after prison or my problems.

If we allow ourselves to fall apart or not deal with or face our problems, then our lives become out of control. You have to acquire faith, my son. Through faith all things are possible......all things.

Never forget this.

Never allow your weakness to force you to give up on any situation.

What does it take for you to turn to God, son? How bad do you have to suffer before you turn to God for help? You need God. You need faith.

You need to drop all your goals for awhile and study God's word. Faith comes from hearing and hearing by the word of God. Read the Book of Job, read Psalms, most important read Hebrews.

I will wait to see how God touches you after you read these scriptures. I remain your dad, a man, subject to his mistakes and sins. But a man who loves God and loves you, my son, whom God blessed me with.

All my love,
forever and ever
Dad



Did my father ever stop to consider his actions? Did he ever think he was the reason she left? The life he lived, the prison, the loneliness. I know, I felt it, she had to feel it too. Where is his responsibility?